I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
