nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
