Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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