Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize