I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
