Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He passed out mid-signature
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
