moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize