i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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