I just threw up on my dentist
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
