She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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