The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
