I can text with my tongue
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
