im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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