Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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