he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
