Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need water and some morals
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
