i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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