I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
