I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
