I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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