May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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