So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
time to smoke my breakfast
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
