Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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