The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Houston, we have a blender
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
