then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
