apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
