I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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