i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
