If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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