I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
