So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
