I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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