remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
