I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
