what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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