I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
All I want is dick and wine.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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