The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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