dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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