Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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