that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
