My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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