If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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