he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
