i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
