I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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