our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
