Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize