I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
