i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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