Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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