my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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