so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
