So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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