Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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