i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
