I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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