Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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